The Unseen Chains: Why Eros Without Asceticism Destroys Covenant

Every marriage eventually collides with the same lie: the idea of “conflicting sex drives.” Culture tells us this is just biology—a mismatch of appetite, nothing more.

This is false.

Biology is not the true battlefield. The struggle is over eros itself, whether it will be disciplined into covenant or left to rot into slavery.

Sexual desire, or eros, is never a neutral force; it is a potent, sacred energy capable of profound covenantal flourishing or devastating destruction. Left unchecked, it is easily warped by lust, resentment, and the corrosive influences of a culture that reduces intimacy to mere transaction or self-gratification. This unchecked eros, devoid of intentional discipline, inevitably becomes a chain that binds and ultimately breaks the marital covenant.

The Distortion of Desire: Counterfeit Liturgies and the Inversion of Eros

The distortion of eros manifests in deeply damaging ways, impacting both men and women within the sacred bond of marriage. These are not mere dysfunctions; they are demonic counterfeits, parasitic exploitations of eros that invert covenant into transaction.

Pornography is not merely “rewiring the brain.” It is a counterfeit liturgy. It retrains eros away from covenantal union and toward consumption, turning the spouse from an image of God into an inadequate shadow of fantasy. The husband enslaved to this cycle is not only harming his wife—he is handing his desire over to a parasitic force that thrives on endless appetite. This is a profound form of spiritual and psychological slavery, where genuine connection is supplanted by compulsive consumption. The sacred space of marital intimacy is desecrated, and the capacity for authentic love and self-giving is diminished, replaced by an insatiable demand that no real-world relationship can ever satisfy. This addiction to fantasy creates a chasm between spouses, fostering isolation and resentment, and is a primary example of how pornography erodes marriage.

When women weaponize intimacy, sex ceases to be covenantal and becomes sorcery. It is eros inverted into power-play, a counterfeit sacrament. This destroys trust, not because desire is restrained, but because desire is manipulated. Such tactics are particularly devastating for men who are already spiritually exposed, those who have, perhaps unknowingly, surrendered their eros to compulsion. In these dynamics, sexual desire in marriage becomes a tool of power, fostering deep-seated resentment, eroding trust, and ultimately fracturing the covenantal bond.

Both patterns—the man’s sense of entitlement and the woman’s manipulative withholding—spring from the same poisoned root: eros without asceticism.

The Ice Cream Trap: The Void's Entrance Point

To grasp the insidious peril of undisciplined eros, consider the vivid metaphor of “The Ice Cream Trap.” Imagine a child with their absolute favorite dessert. If it’s a rare Sunday treat, the experience is savored, and profound gratitude is easy. If it becomes an every-other-day indulgence, a subtle boredom creeps in, and the child soon demands novelty. If it’s consumed daily, all appreciation vanishes, and the pleasure curdles into either sickness or addiction.

The point here is not to prescribe a rigid frequency for marital intimacy or to measure out sex like rations. Rather, it is to illuminate a fundamental truth about human desire: without intentional restraint and discipline, gratitude inevitably disappears. Desire without gratitude is the void’s entrance point. And without gratitude, eros curdles into either an insatiable demand or a manipulative weapon. The sacred becomes mundane, the cherished becomes expected, and the profound gift of sexual union transforms into a mere right or a tool for control. When gratitude dies, eros is no longer covenantal. It becomes an entry point for the demonic, a hunger that feeds on itself until it consumes the marriage whole.

Asceticism: The Weapon Against Exploitation

This is precisely where the ancient, often misunderstood, practice of asceticism emerges not as a relic of a bygone era, but as a weapon against exploitation. Asceticism isn’t just personal discipline—it is the only firewall against forces that want to hollow marriage out into lust, resentment, and manipulation.

Eros, when given free rein without intentional restraint, will always bend towards excess, resentment, or the pursuit of counterfeit novelty. Only when eros is disciplined, when it is intentionally channeled and sanctified through spiritual discipline, does it remain truly covenantal. It is the cultivation of self-mastery, the profound ability to say ‘no’ to immediate gratification for the sake of a higher, more enduring good, that preserves the integrity of desire and the sanctity of the marriage covenant.

Asceticism, in this context, is the conscious practice of ordering our loves, in opposition to the counterfeit ordering offered by the demonic. It is the spiritual discipline that empowers us to distinguish between genuine desire and compulsive appetite, between a mutual gift and a selfish demand. Without this discipline, the inherent power of eros, intended for profound bonding and spiritual growth, inevitably becomes a destructive force.

Eros Consecrated or Corrupted

Eros is either consecrated or corrupted. There is no neutrality. Without asceticism, it will be twisted into lust, resentment, and covenantal collapse. With asceticism, eros becomes what it was always meant to be: thanksgiving embodied, love transfigured, a fire strong enough to withstand every counterfeit. This is not about “fulfillment”—it is about survival.